Forty one weeks of being an almost-mama, and I'm trying to recall the person I was before those two lines showed up on that little plastic stick I peed on.
I was a wife. I dreamed of, but had no idea of the reality of the little life that was already planned before the beginning of time. The gender established, the number of hairs on her head counted, the amount of her days laid out. All the mistakes she'll make, all the lessons she'll learn, all the trials she'll face. All the heartbreaks, scraped knees, and accomplishments.
Before she was even a thought or intention, let alone a sperm meeting an egg, she had a purpose and was loved with an everlasting love. Her story written from beginning to end.
Being knit and woven together. Not made carelessly, like a gadget in a factory on an assembly line. But being made uniquely, attentively, lovingly, by the same One that made the stars, the sea, the mountains, and all the wonders of the universe.
She has a purpose.
As a parent, that's a lot of pressure. To raise this little life toward her purpose. What if I put her in dance instead of soccer and she was supposed to be an Olympic soccer player? Or what if I end up repeating the mistakes and patterns of my parents and she ends up as messed up as me?
A lot of pressure. But that pressure is always relieved knowing that I really have no control over anything. No matter what I do, the good and bad, God has her in the palm of His hand, and His purpose for her is already written in His book.
In reality, she's not mine. She was given to me to borrow, to take care of, to nourish and cherish and teach. She belongs to God just as I do, and He loves her so much more than I ever could. And that is my comfort. When I can't sleep because I'm so paranoid about something going wrong in my pregnancy, when I'm thinking about the potential disasters that can happen as she's growing up, when I'm crippled by fear and trying as hard as I can to have control.. I have to constantly remind myself of that truth. The God that holds the planets in orbit, that has protected me my entire life, is the same God that has control of her life.
Soon I will officially be a mama and I must put these truths into practice even more. With a new baby comes many many things. New financial stresses and responsibilities, a hold, if not cease, on my goals and dreams, a complete denial of myself, balancing marriage and motherhood, etc.
But it's all worth it. To be a tool used in the creation of a life, to be made a steward over that life, to experience a kind of love I have never known, to find ultimate purpose as a woman.. It can't be matched by financial stability, reaching my career goals, or keeping a perfect, stretch mark-less body.
There's nothing else I would rather be than a mama.